“What Vibrator Should I Get My Daughter?”: The Most Common Question I Get After My TED Talk

“What Vibrator Should I Get My Daughter?”: The Most Common Question I Get After My TED Talk

Since my TED Talk, “Why I Gave My Teenage Daughter a Vibrator,” went live, I’ve received countless messages from parents, moms and dads alike. Most start with something like, “I never thought I’d be reaching out to a stranger about this…” and end with, “So… do you have any recommendations?”

And yes, I do.

These parents aren’t just looking for help starting the conversation about sexual wellness (though that’s a big part of it). Many are also asking something more specific: “What vibrator should I get my daughter?”

It’s a deeply personal question. But it’s also a smart one. Because if we’re going to normalize conversations around sexual health, pleasure, and body autonomy, we have to talk about the tools too—not just the theory.

So here’s what I usually tell them.

What to Look for in a First Vibrator

Whether you’re buying it for your daughter or helping her make the decision herself, here are a few things to consider when choosing a vibrator for someone who’s just starting to explore:

1. Small, Simple, and Non-Intimidating

Stick with something compact. A basic external vibrator or bullet-style model is a great place to start. These are less overwhelming in both size and function, and they’re discreet. Nothing with 14 speeds and an instruction manual the size of a novel.

2. Body-Safe Materials

Look for vibrators made of medical-grade silicone or other non-toxic, non-porous materials. These are easy to clean and safe for the body. Avoid anything with jelly rubber or mystery plastics, which can be porous and collect bacteria over time.

3. External Focus

For beginners, it’s often more comfortable (and less emotionally loaded) to start with external stimulation. Clitoral vibrators offer a more straightforward introduction without the added layer of figuring out internal anatomy right away.

4. Quiet Motor

This may seem like a small detail, but trust me, it matters. A quiet device can make the experience less stressful and more private, especially in a shared household.

5. Rechargeable or Battery-Powered?

Either works, but rechargeable vibrators are often more reliable and environmentally friendly. Still, some parents prefer battery-operated for simplicity or budget reasons. It’s not a dealbreaker.

6. Reputable Brands

There are now many companies making quality products with a focus on sexual wellness and inclusivity. Brands like Lelo, Dame, Blush, Smile Makers, and Maude are great places to start browsing. They offer clean, well-designed options without the oversexualized marketing that’s common in this space.

But What If I Still Feel Awkward?

You’re not alone. Most parents were never given these tools or conversations themselves. But think of this as more than a purchase; it’s an invitation to your child to feel safe in their body, their pleasure, and their power.

Giving your daughter a vibrator isn’t about handing over a sex toy. It’s about saying, “Your body belongs to you. Your pleasure is not shameful. You get to know yourself on your own terms.”

If you’re still not sure how to open the door, that’s okay too. Start by asking what she already knows. Or what she’s curious about. You don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to be someone she knows she can ask.

If this post sparked questions for you, feel free to reach out. You’re not weird, you’re not inappropriate, and you’re definitely not the only parent wondering how to do this better.

This is how we raise daughters (and sons, and kids of all identities) to feel whole, informed, and in control of their own experiences. That matters. And it starts with conversations like these.

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And if you’re interested, here are a few affiliate links to start with (not all of these are waterproof):

For new exploration:

plusOne Bullet: https://amzn.to/43hl1gx

Maude Vibe: https://amzn.to/3ZGghPd

Lelo Mia 3: https://amzn.to/4dDflB8

Dame Zee: https://amzn.to/4kChKOD

Ava Wand: https://amzn.to/4keT1jx

For more experienced exploration:

Blush Limited Addiction (this one is powerful): https://amzn.to/3SkX81o

And then based on a recommendation from my gynecologist years ago, I also recommend coconut oil. It is lubricating, has a higher viscosity than most lubricants, none of the chemicals that are in some lubes, and has healing properties for any minor abrasions. I like this one because the tube is less messy than a jar: https://amzn.to/44RC61Q.