When Marriage Inc. hit best-seller status, the messages started pouring in. Friends, family, colleagues, even acquaintances I hadn’t spoken to in years reached out with congratulations. They told me how proud they were of me, how huge an achievement this was, how exciting it must feel.
I kept waiting for that feeling to show up in me too.
But it didn’t.
At first, I chalked it up to exhaustion. The months of preparing for the launch, building momentum, coordinating every little detail; it was a full sprint. Of course, I felt drained. But as the days went by, I realized it wasn’t just fatigue. There was numbness. Then a creeping sense of imposter syndrome. And then, nothing. My brain just clicked into, “What’s next?” mode, as if hitting best-seller status was one more item crossed off a checklist.
Why the Brain Does This
There are some solid neuroscience reasons behind this emotional flatness after achieving something big.
Dopamine drops after the chase.
Our brains get a surge of dopamine (the “motivation chemical”) when we’re anticipating or striving toward a goal. The pursuit itself is chemically rewarding. But once the goal is reached, dopamine falls. The high of “working toward” can feel better than the reality of “arriving.”
The hedonic treadmill.
Humans are wired to return to baseline. Big accomplishments give us a bump, but our brains quickly adapt and start scanning for the next target. It’s survival wiring: keep moving forward; don’t get too comfortable.
Cognitive dissonance of success.
If a part of you still questions your worthiness, achievement can trigger imposter syndrome. Instead of pride, your brain says, “This doesn’t feel like me,” and you distance yourself emotionally from the success.
Cognitive Behavioral Strategies to Shift the Experience
Knowing the science helps explain the flatness, but it doesn’t make it any more satisfying as I found out. That’s where cognitive behavioral strategies come in:
Name the thought pattern.
When imposter thoughts show up (“I don’t really deserve this”), notice them and label them. Saying to yourself, “This is imposter syndrome talking” creates space between you and the thought.
Schedule the celebration.
Instead of waiting for spontaneous excitement, plan intentional moments of recognition. Rituals help the brain consolidate an achievement as meaningful and they don’t have to be big, demonstrative events. For me, there was a quiet toast with my husband and our daughter the night my book hit best seller. There was a walk alone with my dog, allowing myself to think about the past several months. And maybe in a few weeks, something more tangible when I’m ready.
Practice savoring.
Each time someone congratulates you, take ten seconds to breathe it in (okay, admittedly this one was challenging for me). Let yourself feel their words, even if part of you resists. This repeated micro-practice helps rewire your brain to experience pride instead of deflecting it.
Reframe “what’s next.”
Rather than leaping ahead, practice shifting the thought: “This isn’t just one step on a ladder. This is a milestone that deserves to stand on its own.” Another one that I’m still working on.
So I’m learning that success doesn’t always come with fireworks. Sometimes it’s quiet. Sometimes it’s complicated. And sometimes, it requires us to teach our brains how to pause, celebrate, and truly feel the weight of what we’ve done.
