There was a moment while listening to Mel Robbins’ recent conversation with Gary Vaynerchuk when I thought, “This is really good advice.”
And then almost immediately I had another thought: “And this is exactly why people need to understand what coaching actually is.”
Those ideas aren’t contradictory.
Coaching vs mentoring is more than a question of who gives the best advice; it is a question of how insight becomes action.
In the episode, Gary talks about everything from fear of other people’s opinions and feeling misunderstood to envy, confidence, career decisions and the danger of believing you’re too late to change. His perspective comes through decades of entrepreneurship, risk-taking, public criticism and building businesses. That lived experience gives him a very particular lens through which he sees the world. That’s one of the reasons people listen to him. And we should learn from other people’s experiences.
When Personal Success Becomes Advice
The problem comes when we assume that someone having successfully navigated something means their solution should automatically become our solution. This happens constantly in the coaching world.
Someone leaves corporate America and builds a seven-figure business. Now they teach people how to build seven-figure businesses.
Someone radically changes their marriage and becomes a relationship coach.
Someone loses 80 pounds and begins telling other people how to transform their relationship with food.
Someone figures out how to stop caring what other people think and tells millions of followers that they need to do the same.
Sometimes their insights are excellent.
But personal success is evidence that something worked for that person. It is not, by itself, evidence that the same strategy is the right intervention for you. That is where consulting, mentoring and coaching begin to separate.
Coaching vs Mentoring and Consulting
Consultants and mentors are typically valued because they know things you don’t. They have expertise, experience or access to information that can shorten your learning curve. They can say, “I have seen this before. Here are three options. Here is what I recommend.” That can be enormously useful.
Coaching is supposed to work differently. In a coaching relationship, the client is the subject-matter expert on their own life while the coach is the expert in the coaching process. Rather than simply supplying answers, the coach helps the client clarify goals, examine assumptions, generate options, turn insights into action and create accountability around those actions.
A Coaching Process Grounded in Behavioral Science
For me, there is another important layer.
If I’m coaching someone toward meaningful behavioral change, I want the work anchored in more than my personal opinion about what they should do. That’s why my own approach leans heavily on cognitive behavioral science.
From Insight to Action in the Next Meeting
Suppose an executive tells me she needs to become more confident. Advice might sound like, “Speak up more. Stop second-guessing yourself. You earned your seat at the table.” Nothing is inherently wrong with that advice. But I’m much more interested in what happens in the five seconds before she decides not to speak.
What thought went through her mind?
What prediction did she make?
What did she believe would happen if she challenged the CEO?
What behavior followed that thought?
And most importantly, what did avoiding the situation teach her brain?
If she stays quiet, her anxiety probably drops. Her brain learns, “Good call. Speaking was dangerous. Staying quiet kept us safe.” And we have accidentally reinforced the exact behavior she wants to change. Now we have something we can work with. We can identify the thought, examine it, develop a behavioral experiment, determine what she will do differently in the next meeting, and evaluate what actually happens. That is very different from me telling her what worked when I was in a difficult meeting twenty years ago.
Research gives us reason to take that process seriously. Meta-analyses of workplace and executive coaching have found statistically significant positive effects across leadership, performance and personal outcomes. Research examining psychologically informed approaches has also found meaningful effects on goal attainment and self-efficacy.
Choosing a Coach Who Can Support Real Change
None of this means you shouldn’t follow people with interesting lives or listen to smart people sharing what they’ve learned. Please do. I do.
But when you are investing money, time and trust in someone to help change your leadership, career, relationship or behavior, ask better questions than, “Are they successful?” Ask: What are they trained in? What informs their approach? Are they teaching me their formula, or helping me understand my patterns? How will we know whether the work is actually producing change? Because there is a place for a great consultant. There is a place for an experienced mentor. There is absolutely a place for an inspiring podcast. And there is a place for a skilled coach.
The mistake is expecting all four to do the same job.
When you’re weighing coaching vs mentoring, look for the kind of support that helps you practice change in your own life.
Ready to Turn Insight Into Action?
If you’re ready to understand the patterns shaping your decisions and practice something different, let’s talk about what you want to change. Contact Dr. Robin or book a call on Calendly to explore whether coaching is the right fit for your goals.
